I'm Back Bitches!

Merry F'ing Christmas from the High Desert.  String those lights up on the Joshua Trees and sing "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" because that's as close to a Winter Wonderland as your going to get.

Yes, it's true. I'm here. I have arrived.

Actually, I've been here for a few months now. And wouldn't you know it, the damn Starbucks was closed when I got here. However, true to form, Burger King still fucked up my order.  Some things change, some things don't.  Experiencing the joys of the TLF and the new privatized housing BS that is now Edward was a pleasure.  But eventually we got into a house, became Janga experts at fitting all our furniture back into what is still the most ass-backward floor plan known to man for a house, and got settled in.  Only now, most of the floor surface is "hardwood" which only means I now have to mop 5 times more than I did because the dust that accumulates on a daily basis will have this shiny new flood looking like a  necropolis a few millennium years old very quickly.

This base had very little to begin with when I left.  Coming back, I could not believe that it was possible to have even less then what was available when I left.   First, there are less buildings and much more open space.  It really helps to complete that desolated feeling of hopelessness while driving around. At least when I was here originally, there was the old Family Readiness building to break up the nothingness while driving down Bailey. Now, just the vast expanse of desert stretches out before you.

There are a few new additions that seem nice.  The new gas station, which without a doubt is a huge improvement over the old one that was over by the car wash and with an adequate number of pumps.  The new Community center is a nice addition as well but seems like a missed opportunity since there are no "community" activities held there.

But hey, this is Edwards.  Who needs community activities when you have the various Facebook groups.  The names may have changed since I left but the general idea stays the same.  Granted, the base population is pretty much the same no matter where you go. However, here at Edwards, you have to leave your brain at the gate, although I did question if I had to declare it at the border crossing to come into California as well.  I've said before, this place makes you crazy. Save your money people - don't bother heading to Vegas or Los Angeles -  anyone looking for entertainment need not look any further than the Facebook pages created for this base.  I've often wondered how the hell it is that Edwards doesn't make it on shame groups like Oversensitive Military Wives or Dear Dependapotamus but then I realize that all of ya are so damn crazy that it seems normal to ya.

We might not be on OSMW but sweeties, we have something a bit better and that is exclusive to Edwards AFB.  Let me fill in for those who weren't here when I was here last time. Everything posted on the groups is fair game and everything done on base is fair game. I will not ever write about the actual military or base activities but you, dear fellow spouses, are fair game.  I won't post your names nor will I post pictures of you like People of Walmart  (although "Bitches of Edwards" does have a nice ring to it, don't you think?) but your actions, your kid's actions, hell, even your dog's actions are fair game.  Why? Because if I'm stuck here in this God-forsaken desert with no entertainment then you can bet your ass I'll make my own entertainment and riping the stupidity that propagates on this base is a great form of entertainment.

Jane Doe is back and this time she's pissed.  So if I have to be here, let's have a bit of fun.  I'll be watching. And Morgan Freeman will be watching too.

FML

Three years ago, I thought that I hung up my Edwards days for good.  I pulled out onto the 58 heading east, with every intention of leaving Edwards AFB as a forgettable episode in life, never to be relived again.  I stopped at the "Welcome to Edwards" sign, collected the brain that I had left 4 years earlier and left the high winds, sand and isolation in the rear view mirror, never to be seen again.

Oh how the winds of fate are cruel.  We're heading back to California my husband tells me.  Imagine my eye roll.  My first thought was whether we were heading to Travis or Vandenberg.  Edwards didn't even cross my mind.  Nobody in the Air Force could be THAT cruel, right? Fuck me!

I've spent the last few years enjoying not being beadblasted everytime I walk outside the door. Granted, I have to brush 10 foot of snow off my car each and every day from mid autumn til late spring but I've had the enjoyment of at least three years that consisted of 4 seasons, green grass, real trees and summer temperatures that do not melt cosmetics off your face.  I've enjoyed having my hair look pretty close to the way I fixed it before leaving for work instead of looking like I've been doing a live remote for the Weather Channel during a southern hurricane. I've enjoyed not having to deal with the hazards of possible amputation of one of my limbs when exiting a vehicle.  Things to look forward to once again.

To my shock and amazement, years later I still remember my password to this blog, to my Facebook account and to the email associated with the writing of this blog.  Everything is exactly as I left it  years ago when I thought I was finally free of the black hole that is Edwards AFB.  It seems that destiny is that Jane Doe will once again return to the High Desert before the years end, ready to wreck havoc on all the new unsuspecting ladies who haven't the foggiest clue of the Legend.  I wonder how many who do remember this blog will still be around, ready to send me snippets and screenshots of the craziness that is.

I've been to enough bases and been around the military long enough to know that there are crazies at every base.  Our current base is no exception.  But it does seem that the craziness that is grown over at Edwards AFB is of a totally different caliper, at least it was before I left.  Has the craziness continued? Has it waned off or has it gotten worse? 

I can tell you this, I am not looking forward to the mandatory craniotomy that occurs before being allowed to permanently reside on base.  I went stir crazy for nearly four years, plastering a smile on my face for Bunco, military functions and volunteer gatherings, saying hello to people who felt just as trapped as I felt.  I drank my weight in wine and other adult beverages just to dull the everyday monotony that living at Edwards means. One would think I've put in my time.  All I can say is this fucking sucks.

I've gotten use to civility once again and I want to grab at it, kicking and screaming like a 3 year old who doesn't want to leave McDonald's Play Place. 

Once again, I'll plaster that same smile on my face, load up the car and hate every mile that brings me one step closer to the hell that is Edwards.  Ooooh, how I will hate it!!!    I will hate seeing the moving truck pulling up in front of the house, loading all my household goods  to head right back to where we came from- at least I already know how I will arrange everything before I get there since I already know the shitty floorplan of the houses. I'm seriously regretting buying the California King as it's going to be entertaining to see what Tetris mastery it will take to fit my bedroom suit into that worthless master bedroom layout. 

So, I guess this means I'm back. Well, at least I will be very soon.  You might even bump into me one day at the commissary.  I'll be the one with the massive chip on my shoulder, the empty look in my eyes and reeking of the fumes of some adult beverage.